I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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