dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
