So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
