I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
