An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
