I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
