watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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