Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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