Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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