Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
