My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
COCAINE IS GR8
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
