A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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