Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
