he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
