dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
