After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
