I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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