Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
