i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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