put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
