You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
