i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
