You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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