nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
