life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
