I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
