I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
