i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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