look no pants
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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