he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
