yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Randomize
