watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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