I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
