On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
