This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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