I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
