Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
