My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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