My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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