walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
