after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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