Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
