saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
