I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
