The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
