last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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