This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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