I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
