its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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