im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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