When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
