I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
