I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
dude i'm inner monologue high
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
